Part of what keeps us from moving forward in life is the inability to be self-aware. Self-awareness is a phrase that has come into popular leadership jargon over the past few years as something of a requirement for being successful. At the heart of being self-aware is the call to know one's intellectual and emotional boundaries and or strengths. It is operating, some would say, in integrity by not doing or seeking to be that which you are not or cannot be but, rather, staying in your lane for optimal performance and living.
For Christians, however, the process of self-awareness is something entirely different from those whose purposes are merely this worldly. In fact, the truth is that no one outside of Christ can be truly self-aware since genuine self-awareness is rooted, primarily in God awareness. In other words, when humans seek to be self-aware without Christ they are limited to only what they can see and know and nothing further or beyond that. Their perception is their perception, and they cannot perceive beyond their life experiences. Therefore, when those outside of Christ seek to become more self-aware they only see what they want to see and miss those things (deeper areas) that are the real places of transformation.
As the story that prompted Psalm 51 has taught us, David missed himself for at least nine months until he was made to see his true self by the Lord. We see this in David's words,
"For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me" (Psalm 51:3).
With these short words in this verse David is admitting that he has been changed, not by what he saw but by what the Lord made him to see. By using the word "know" in this verse David is literally saying that he has been given specific information that has now caused him to perceive his previous actions in a way that he could not have before. Now, David is saying, he sees himself for who he truly is - a transgressor of the Law of God. This is important because true self-awareness must always be gauged in relationship to where one stands with and before the Lord.
Before this information was given to David by Nathan, David would not have thought himself to not be self-aware. He would have not even connected his actions with Bathsheba to his relationship with the Lord. Instead, he would discern who he was by how others around him responded to him and, since he was the king, they would always respond in respect to him. David, therefore, would never have been compelled to see himself any differently than before. But when he saw himself in the face of the Lord, he was made to see himself, truly.
The self-awareness we gain when we see ourselves against the glory of the Lord is no momentary self-awareness, however. It is an unending pain or weight that lays heavy on us until it is relieved by the Lord in the duty and beauty of gospel repentance. Self-awareness, apart from the Lord, is weighty only until I change it. That which I see in myself that I do not like I can simply change without help from anyone. However, that which the Lord show me about myself that He does not like is something totally different because I cannot change what he shows me on my own. I can try, but in reality, I will only feel what David felt "...my sin is ever before me" (v3). It is like a grape juice stain on white carpet - it cannot be cleaned. It is ruined and this is what God made David to see about his sin.
Real repentance is the fruit of righteous self-awareness and this self-awareness is imposed on us by God for our joy and relief. The beauty of the gospel is that the Lord re-writes the narrative of our actions to show us how the He sees it so that we, by virtue of His grace, can see ourselves in desperate need of His mercy. It is not what men think about us, nor what we think. It is always and only what the Lord thinks and how He sees our ways, heart and thoughts. Outside of grace we are left with our own assessment of ourselves and if this is allowed to continue, we would be consumed in our sin and ultimately, by the wrath of God.
This experience of David changed how he wanted to know and assess himself. No longer would he rest on his position with people, nor would he trust his own perceptions. This experience taught David that he needs the Lord to always do the examination; to always be the One who told David about himself. Thus, David's appeal was now,
"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there
be any grievous way in me and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23–24).
David wanted, now, to be made to see what the Lord saw in him. This is one of the reasons why repentance is seemingly foreign as a daily practice for some Christians. We only see what we see and judge where we are by that assessment and, as a result we are far too kind to and forgiving of ourselves. To us, we may be a bit off at times, but not so bad that we need to repent. But, when we are made to see as the Lord sees - when we surrender, as David did in Psalm 139 to the Lord's assessment as the true assessment of ourselves - we will find that we don’t have enough time to repent about the many areas of transgression.
Here is a challenge: Memorize Psalm 139:23-24 and recite it this week as a prayer to the Lord. Be ready for what He will show you but be equally ready to run to His mercy in repentance.